Self-Doubt: A Lesson in Trust

It's taken me five years to figure out who I am as a teacher.  And I came to teaching later in life, having turned 40 my first year of teaching.  My first five years were filled with self-doubt that affected me greatly.  It got me questioning my effectiveness even though those around me sung my praises.  It sucked away my self-esteem and left me empty.  It's a horrible thing we do to ourselves sometimes; let our personal criticism define us.  Until we realize that it doesn't have to be defining.  It can be empowering.

As I have struggled to turn around my self-doubt I've learned to recognize it as an opportunity to grow rather than a definition of my failures.  Let's face it, we all fail.  At something.  Sometimes.  But not everything.  And certainly not always.  If I am trying to get my students to trust me to be comfortable in making mistakes then shouldn't I be comfortable in making them myself? Just as I ask students to be able to recognize a mistake as an opportunity to grow, shouldn't I as well?  And when I celebrate my students' successes shouldn't I also be able to celebrate my own?  Even if my success wasn't a result of my first attempt?

It's not often that we have the opportunity to be in a career that gives us so many opportunities to give and receive.  There is a symbiotic relationship we have with our students and I think I have (for far too long) not recognized the beauty in that.  As much as I teach them to trust, I have learned to trust.  Not only in my ability to accomplish what I set out to do, but in my ability to learn from my failures and not let them define me.  I'm learning to become strong from my weaknesses.

I have also learned that I will never be the teacher I imagine for myself. Because with each step I take toward that ideal, I reflect, I grow, and I re-imagine my perfect self.  And I have come to realize that my failures and short-comings are not what define me but it is what I do with the recognition of them that does.  Perfection is not what you do, or don't.  It is how you trust in your imperfections to let you become the best of who you are.  Imperfections and all.

So when your next lesson flops, or that video isn't quite what you wanted it to be trust that it is what it needs to be for now.  Trust that it is the next step that you need to take.  Trust your journey.  It is the perfect journey just for you.